Today

Is a day where I realize I hear sounds in my head that sound like music, that some days, some days are simply milk and cookies, that they're boring, that they're placid. Some days, I hate school, I hate my job, I hate my life, I have your life, I hate everything. Some days I want to drink myself into a coma, other days I want to get three jobs, a wife, a new car and father a child.

Some days I need to get laid, some days I want a hug, some times I feel alone, other times I feel right at home. My friends agree, that just because I hate me, doesn't mean that I need to be all messed up in this mess. That I am deserving of a better life, and I do need to put down the knife, because lord knows this isn't healthy, and with that I'll just walk into light, maybe there isn't so much blight.

How I feel

Right now it's bright out, a true Indian summer, warm and cozy, yet the feeling of malaise creeps up on me. I'm sick, tired, and frankly, worn out to the point where the simplest of tasks become impossible. Last night was a good night full of tearful beers and curled lips. It was exhausting, yet very shameful: I'm a firm believer we do things because we crave the abuse, or we escape reality through any means needed. 

I've been trying to write all day to no avail. I have a new song, a new perspective, it's tough writing a love song when you're in love with someone you can't love anymore. Worse than a monkey on your back pushing thumb-tacks into the flesh of the neck. It hurts, but we prevail, at least try to, the music is good, solid. 

How I feel is still dictated by my headache and failing eyes. My body hurts, and my heart hurts worse, so many perspectives to adopt; vegan eating, no more boozing, staying in shape, and staying aggressive toward life, progressive toward my goals. It's just not easy after a hospital scare, a breakup, a new job, and returning to school, no wonder I have a bum ticker, I'm out of my mind.

Anyway, this is a first, more to follow.